Sunday, July 15, 2012

The Perfect Storm...

...an event where a rare combination of circumstances will aggravate a situation drastically.

Aside from the oppressive and stifling heat, Nashville experienced another natural disaster recently.  Unlike any heat wave, drought, or flood that has ravaged Nashville before, this occurrence is simply known as Lisa.

After a year long hiatus, Lisa was back in town from Kansas City....only this time, she left Sidekick at home, and instead brought a Ginger with her.  Like an unstoppable rebel force, Lisa blazed into East Nash last Thursday evening and was ready to get the party started.  Within just moments of being here, she was already slinging back margaritas and putting Diva in his place with a few cleverly placed quips.

We began the weekend on Thursday night with a visit to BTE.  I am not sure if it was the heat or the 2 for 1 beers that Lisa was double fisting, but she was already experiencing a bit of a language/comprehension deficit.  While conversing with The Professor (a fellow Grizzly who is new to the blog), Lisa was trying to explain her Mexican roots, and upon The Professor asking what part - in terms of geographic location within the country - Lisa simply replied "half."

To further insert her foot into her mouth, Diva had invited a gentleman friend to the bar with us, and upon his parting/shaking hands/expressing how nice it had been to meet everyone, Lisa managed to muster up a "it's so nice you're leaving" sentiment, however she claims it was lacking some 'verbal punctuation' and she intended to say "it's so nice, you're leaving?"

We wrapped up Thursday evening with a stop at Lipstick Lounge.  Before diving further into Lisa's antics, I must explain that The Professor is a bit of a germaphobe...he will NOT participate in the 'licking game' that the Grizzlies are so fond of, and does not believe in the '5-second' rule if food were to touch the floor or land on a table at the bar.  Of course, Lisa broke all unspoken rules and sure did lick The Professor's face, and then ate, as well as fed to The Homeowner, The Professor's french fries after they spilled out of the basket and onto the table at Lipstick.  Once everyone had their fill of beers, dirty fries, and The Homeowner belting out 'Loveshack' karaoke, we decided to call it a night.

Friday was spent running errands, I was able to give Lisa her first Kroger experience.  Apparently they don't have Kroger back in KC, and looking back on this adventure, I should have taken her to Kro-Ghetto and not the nice one in Inglewood.  While perusing the aisles in the grocery store, our inner 8-year old fat kids kicked in, and we decided that since it was too hot to go sit on a patio for lunch, we would make our own lunch of shells and cheese and chicken nuggets.

We got home, turned on Wimbledon, and apparently the anticipation of our delicious lunch was just too much for Lisa to bear.  As I was preparing the pot of water to boil our shells, Lisa attempted to stealthily take a bite of a frozen chicken nugget!  Yes, that's correct.  She totally picked up a frozen nugget, and slipped it into her mouth.  I'm pretty sure she even sucked on it a bit, like a Werther's Original.  Now, Lisa will claim that she was just inspecting the nugget in question, but I'd bet money that she took a bite.

Lisa and I parted ways Friday evening, she went to go see Magic Mike and I went to go celebrate Jambo's birthday with Holly.

Fast forward to Saturday.

Of course, Lisa did not just decide to blow into town for the hell of it.  She came to join in on the Grizzlies' Pool Party.  It wouldn't be a proper trip to Nashville if Lisa did not end up in a pool full of gay men.  The beers were in abundance and the swimsuits were at a minimum.  In fact, Lisa, The Homeowner, and I were about the only ones to actually keep our swimsuits on...the entire time.

A Grizzly pool is truly unlike any other party, ever.  To protect the integrity and dignity of the team, I won't go into much detail...I'll just say that my British import Deb was convinced she'd end up pregnant after having actually been in the swimming pool.  However, at one point in the afternoon, the kegs had been tapped dry and there were still hours of heat, sunshine, and pool to enjoy.  Being the brilliant problem solvers that Holly and I are, we decided to take up a collection and go buy more beer.  We recruited a rugger and headed out, on foot, in the sweltering heat to the corner convenience store.

As the temperature soared into the triple digits, the three of us hiked to restock the libations.  As a group, we probably looked like the Sanderson Sisters from 'Hocus Pocus'...running amok through the streets of East Nashville.

We made it to the store and pulled every case, and by every, I mean 3 cases of Miller Lite out of the display case.  Now, there was no way that we could return to the party with just 3 cases of beer, so Holly  took it upon himself to let himself into the storage cooler to rummage around for more beer.  Myself and the other Sanderson Sister, who insisted on being the Bette Middler character, were shocked...however, Holly was clearly onto something.  The beer storage cooler was an oasis of cold, cold, cold air.  Before long, I barged into the cooler as well.  My northern blood is not meant for this southern heat, and being inside the ice-cold cooler reminded me of life back up in the mitten.



The party continued for many more hours and included an awards ceremony, a rigged flip-cup challenge, and Lisa burning a few bridges here and there.

Finally, Sunday rolled around and as my liver was beginning to go into early stages of failure, Hurricane Lisa was still ravaging on.  With the help of Purple Drank, I was able to hang on to some form of life and rally well enough to get ready for Showtunes.

Showtunes was Showtunes.  Nothing extraordinary, nor anything lame happened.  We all went pitcher for pitcher and shot for shot with Lisa.  We even did a shot in memory of Sidekick, since he is now dead to Lisa and I for not showing in up Nashville.  RIP.

Just as quickly as it started, Lisa's visit to the South came to an end.  It has been a year since Lisa has been in town, and I think it will take a year to fully recover from the devastation Lisa has left in her wake...particularly on my liver and the egos of some people she encountered, and frankly, Lisa is the perfect storm.

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