Friday, April 20, 2012

Spring Break Rebound.

Still on the rebound from the Bro debacle, I decided to pack a bag and go visit one of my sisters (who has an uncanny resemblance to Snooki, except she isn't orange and is only half as drunk) in southwest Florida for spring break.

Snooki lived on the picturesque Marco Island, just off of Naples.  I thought for sure I could find a spicy hot Cuban and/or Latino for a night of fun while I was on spring break.  Well, as it turns out, Marco Island is the epitome of a retirement community.  Once people have retired from retirement in Naples, they move over to the island, also known as Heaven's Waiting Room.

Snook and I, were without a doubt, the youngest kids on the island by at least four decades.  Snooki likes her men with one foot in the grave, however, I do not.  I was on the rebound without any shot of getting off the bench.

A damper sure had been put on my spring fling plans, but I figured I could make the best of the situation anyway.  Saturday morning, as Twisted Sister was off working for a bit, I decided to take my mug of coffee down to the pool, which was overlooking the water, and search for the dolphins that are known to  take a morning frolic in the bay.

I was standing along the fence, gazing into the water, while a few geriatrics did their morning aqua-cise in the pool behind me, when I noticed a Latin gentleman had appeared out of nowhere and was standing oddly close.  Rico Suave was about 38-ish, slick backed black hair, and decked out in linen pants and a linen button down.

I thought surely there were plenty of open lounge chairs for Rico to choose from, so there should not have been a need for him to be standing all up in my business.  Rico made a keen observation, and noticed that I had been standing alone enjoying the morning breeze while I finished my coffee.  He asked why I was by myself, and then offered to take me home for the low price of $200.

I was seriously being propositioned by a middle aged escort at my sister's swimming pool.  I may have been on the rebound, but I sure was not desperate.  Plus, I've never had to pay for the company of someone else, I was not about to start now.

I quickly finished my coffee and made a fast break, I needed to get away from the pool and explore the island.  I packed a cooler with a few cans of beer and went to the local bike rental shop.  I could cover more ground on two wheels than on two feet.  I walked in, sporting a Michigan State shirt and received a friendly greeting from the guy behind the counter.  Turns out, he was also a Spartan fan, and let me borrow the bike for free.  Score!

There may not have been any prospects on Marco Island, but there were a ton of Spartan fans!

I slung the cooler over my shoulder and started pedaling towards Tiger Tail Beach.  Maybe, just maybe, I'd have a bit more luck on the beach.

I arrived, scouted out a nice little piece of land to set up shop, and cracked open a beer.  I was enjoying frying in the southern Florida sun, with my iPod playing, minding my own business.  But, after awhile, I finally did end up meeting someone on the beach.

I met Doris.

Doris walked right up to me and said "Honey, you are alone drinking a beer, mind if I join?"

I took out my ear buds, peeked over my sunglasses, and standing in front of me was a lady who looked to be about 74 but was probably only in her late 50s, was tanner than leather, had hot pink finger nails, and was dripping in costume jewelry...however it wasn't from Forever21, it was all real.

How could I say no to this gem that had appeared before me?

Doris sure did unroll her towel next to mine, and I quickly offered her a beer.  This woman was too much for me, and I had finally met my soul mate.  Doris was a spit fire with the mouth of a sailor and she had no problem going beer to beer with me.  She is retired, from what I wasn't too sure, but her husband had amassed a small fortune.  Doris has a couple of kids, and three grandchildren, who from the sounds of it, are the cause of her day-drinking.  I explained my rebound situation to Doris, and she told me I sure did not need any man at all, but I could have hers if I wanted, as she had gotten all the milage she could out of him but still spent his money.

Beers were now gone, and Doris and I had shared many stories and a ton of laughs.  I suddenly became concerned that I would end up like the real Snooki and find myself charged with public intox on the beach.  Furthermore, I had to bike back to the condo, so I was worried I'd end up with a BUI - biking under the influence.   Sadly, I could not stay on the beach anymore, as I was growing thirsty and had nothing to drink.  Just as I was excusing myself, Doris asked where I was heading.  I told her the name of my sister's condo, and sure enough Doris was familiar.  We now had a date to reconvene at the pool, this time Doris would bring the drinks.

I spent the rest of the afternoon chatting with Doris and we continued our buzz.  Of course I had to send out a mass-text telling all my friends about my new buddy.  Naturally, their reply was a request to see a picture of Doris.  I asked my new friend if she would mind, but sadly she did.  Doris put it quite simply and eloquently and stated: "Oh Honey, I don't trust that Face-Place-Thing."

My time with Doris had come to an end, and I'm certain I enjoyed her company more than any trick's I could have found on the beach...and I didn't even have to pay for it.  I only hope one day I can be as tan, and drunk as her.  Doris was the perfect rebound, and frankly, I'm back in the game.