While at home in the Mitten for Christmas, I inadvertently created a monster.
I spent a few days in my favorite city, East Lansing, with a few of my favorite people. My college BFFL joined me in The Emerald City, and we joined forces with another friend known as The Innkeeper. Innkeeper is so aptly named because we always end up shacking up/over running her humble, Missoni for Target clad abode.
With Christmas still lingering in the air, and New Year's right around the corner, I was on a mini-mission to find a drinking buddy and if lucky enough, a date to watch the ball drop. Plus, the city I'd spend the end of 2011 in was a bit dependent on where I could find a date. It was a toss up between East Lansing and Nashville. If I could find a date in The Mitten, I'd stay...if not, I'd truck it back down south.
Though I was not exactly attempting to be very discrete, I was not advertising my choice of means to find the aforementioned drinking buddy. In this particular case, I just so happened to be using Grindr. Innkeeper caught wind of my mini-mission, and without much hesitation, loved the idea of finding someone to join us on our drinking escapades. Grindr and my Blackberry, which much like any Verizon phone nearing its 2-year contract renewal date, is on the verge of self destruction, do not get along very well.
Just as quick as Innkeeper was to offer up her Missoni abode, she insisted I install Grindr on her iPad to ease my troubles. Innkeeper doesn't know a stranger, and could make friends with a brick...so the prospect of having a new pal to drink beer out of a bucket at our favorite college bar was quite intriguing to her. Now before we get any further into this tale, Innkeeper is not exactly on the up and up when it comes to any form of social networking. She never has had and never will have Twitter, Facebook, or FourSquare. Innkeeper hasn't even had a Myspace, and firmly believes that online profiles are for predators and homewreckers. Clearly, Innkeeper and I have very different opinions of social networking, as I have all of the above, and have even dabbled with the lackluster Google+.
I gave Innkeeper a brief tutorial on the ins and outs of Grindr. Unlike other social medias, Grindr is a very different form of networking. I informed her what most guy's main objectives would be and to not be too offended if some messages weren't the most appropriate or g-rated. Not everyone on Grindr starts out with a simple "hello".
I figured Innkeeper really wouldn't be too interested in using Grindr, social apps aren't her thing, and she's also not a gay male. I thought for sure she'd be scared away by the numerous photos of headless torsos, nipples, or the veins along a guy's hips leading below the belt. I knew Innkeeper would quickly get bored and ditch the app, so I thought certainly the coast was clear to hop in the shower real quick and get ready for the day. Besides, how much trouble could she get into?
In a matter of just a few moments I had created a monster, and just as soon as the water started running, I was instantly bombarded with hundreds of questions. Innkeeper busted up in the bathroom wanting to know what my age cutoff was, was 5'7" too short, what DDF meant, what is VGL, HWP, LTR, etc. etc.
Innkeeper had no qualms whatsoever about messaging everyone who was currently logged in at the time. She was getting her grind on. I instantly regretted Innkeeper's access to Grindr, especially because it had MY picture on it and all my vitals. Everyone was fair game to Innkeeper's grinding, as if I needed any help whatsoever attracting the freaks and geeks of the gay world.
I could not have dried off and gotten dressed any quicker than I did, but Innkeeper was having a field day, and it was my good standing reputation at stake. Who knows, some of my past flings from my college days could still be in town and perhaps using Grindr at the very moment as she was. Innkeeper failed to realize Grindr is not typically used to invite guys over for drinks and a Teen Mom 2 marathon, but mostly to meet up, get off, and move on.
Before I could do much damage control, Innkeeper whisked us away in order to get to the nail salon. It was time for pedicures.
I settled into my warm foot bath at my favorite Asian nail salon and immediately whipped out the iPad, logged onto Gindr, and began clean-up. Messages that Innkeeper had started were pouring in like crazy. I was shocked at the selections Innkeeper had made, of course, none of which I would have chosen for myself. Innkeeper had started a conversation with a guy solely because his profile picture featured his Siamese cat, by saying "Hey, I like your cat."
I could never get drinks with a guy who was interested in cats, especially so much so that he posted a picture of the two of them on a hookup app.
I let Siamese down gently and moved on. I could not believe the taste in men that my good friend had for me. She had contacted anyone between the ages of 18 and 54. I was horrified. I did not have time to reply to each and every mistake Innkeeper had made in her attempt to find a drinking buddy, half of the people weren't even old enough to have a drink in the first place...so I just started blocking people.
As I was getting into Operation Clean Up, a total culture clash was unfolding before my eyes at the nail salon. I became instantly distracted by what I was witnessing and almost dropped the grinding iPad into the foot bath.
A young ghetto-tastic mama was gettin' her nails did for NYE and brought her three young triplet daughters to the salon with her. They had all been there even before my friends and I walked in, and I imagine that they had been in the salon for quite some time. As the poor little Asian owner was painstakingly gluing individual gold studs onto the longest teal acrylics I have ever seen, the Triplets were becoming restless.
All three began incessantly begging for a snack, and each request fell on mama's oblivious deaf ears. It did not seem as though there would be a snack in the near future for the Triplets, so they did what any bratty little 6 year old would do. They took matters into their own hands, and quickly snatched up the sacrificial wafers that the Asian Nail Techs had placed on their makeshift shrine to Buddha at the front counter. In an instant, the Triplets scarfed down the Buddha cookies as if they were double stuffed Oreos.
I did not know which event to be more horrified for; Innkeeper's grinding, or the awfully religious/cultural offense of eating Buddha's offering in an Asian nail salon. I was shocked and found myself clutching for pearls. Rarely, am I ever left speechless...but this certainly did me in.
Before long, our pedis were complete, and it was time to get on with our day. I still hadn't found any sort of date though and was beginning to think the whole idea should just be abandoned.
We left and headed to the bar, I needed a drink.
There was a slight silver lining to letting someone else grind for me. Innkeeper had stumbled about a guy who had an incredible striking resemblance to MSU's quarterback. I could definitely stay in the Mitten for NYE, or even move home if it meant dating Kirk Cousin's doppelganger.
Just as I was getting into the whole "Hi, how are you, I apologize that my friend...who is a girl...hijacked Grindr." spiel, Innkeeper whipped out her iPhone 4s, and using the magic that is Cloud, synced the iPad's Grindr profile to her phone and started grinding away.
I was now dually grinding, not an easy feat. Innkeeper even began grinding Kirk Counsin's lookalike as I was talking to him.
As we continued to drink and the day worn on, it was becoming obvious that dual grinding and Innkeeper's efforts were all in vain. The damage was done, Innkeeper was having too much fun meeting guys with cats to find any real date for me. I made sure to add Kirk Cousin's doppelganger as a favorite, just in case I find myself back in the Mitten and needing a date.
I have since returned to the south for NYE, though I don't exactly have a date here, I sure wasn't going to find one up there. I'd have to let the dust settle before I could grind the greater East Lansing area anytime soon. I came home to a full OkCupid and Adam4Adam inbox, so we shall see what 2012 has in store, and frankly, friends don't let friends Grind for them.