Saturday, July 23, 2011

Real Housewives of T4.0

This past weekend I had the pleasure of attending one of the premiere social events Nashville has seen in years.  It was the Homeowner's much anticipated and highly publicized birthday bash!

My party shirt and turquoise shorts were ready to go.

Due to circumstances beyond anyone's control, the Homeowner's BFF and I, along with an infamous McDonald's toy known as Pat Grant, played host to the party for a couple of hours.  Things were going rather smoothly.  But now I know how Oprah's minions must feel at her Legends Ball...they play host until she feels like making a brief appearance, in this case the BFF is clearly Gayle and I'm stuck being Stedman.  Since I didn't feel comfortable speaking without my lawyer present, I left most of the talking up to the Homeowner's BFF while I entertained a couple of friends who were in town from Kansas City, as well as another friend of the Homeowner's who is a fellow Michigander.

The previous evening's events lead one of the KC-ers to be nicknamed 'Lisa', though I am not quite sure how that came about.  We were actually at a White Trash Pool Party, and her costume gave her a striking resemblance to Roseanne, but I guess that's neither here nor there.  Michigander is nicknamed Holly, which is another story for another day, and Lisa's sidekick just can be Lisa's Sidekick.  And before long we were joined by Rugger JR.  Homeower DOES NOT like when Rugger JR and I are together, mostly because we become an unstoppable rebel force of judgemental bitchass awesomeness, which is pretty damn hilarious for those around us.

So there we sat, in the sweltering heat, on the patio of Suzy Wong's snacking on pot stickers and cold beer.  I thought it was a rather enjoyable time, and since Lisa and her sidekick were from out of town, I was doing my best at giving them my non-judgemental rundown of all of the party guests who were showing up.  The guest list included a couple of ghosts from my dating past, with invitees such as The Detective, Most Bejeweled Runner Up, and a few of those who were looking to be Just Friends.  I'm usually an agreeable person, and rarely have anything bad to speak of others, but occasionally it slips out every now and then, and Lisa had to know about the obstacles I've overcome in my dating life.  Luckily, I was making it through the afternoon relatively unscathed, and of course, being the gracious pseudo host in the face of adversity that I am, I kept a smile on my face.  I by no means had any intent of causing a scene at the Homeowner's Birthday Bash.

It wasn't long until the Homeowner showed up and and could take over his guest of honor/host duties, and then I was free to drink up and mingle with all the other guests.  The patio snack portion of the party was soon drawing to a close, and I had actually not seen a single person that I needed to blatantly avoid...this would be a rare occurrence, since most of the time I can barely walk into a bar without a handful of creeps on my case.  Surely enough, my luck was about to run out...

I went to the bar for a refill, and turned around to see someone who has the honor of holding the title for the worst date I have ever been on, without a doubt, ever.  The date in question was quite miserable and not even blog worthy...just absolutely terrible.  Months ago, when the date had taken place, I had made it quite clear that I was not interested in anything whatsoever.  I wanted to go my way, and he was to do the same and that would be the end of it.  Months had passed without any form of communication, which was perfect for me...until the birthday bash.  I was horrified.

I managed to muster up my best fake smile along with a simple head nod.  I did not feel as though much more would be needed and I surely was not in the mood to talk with him.  Of course things are never that easy for me, and suddenly he tried to pull me close and strike up a friendly convo.  Lisa, Sidekick, BFF, Homeowner, Rugger JR, or any of my other friends who could pull me out of bind on a moment's notice were no where to be found.  Was I being punked?

The Worst was beyond trashed, which was just how I left him on our terrible, horrible, no good date...so clearly not much had changed for him.  With his hand on my back and a series of slurred drunken words, I was becoming quite uncomfortable.  He asked how I was and said how much he had been missing me...I however, had not felt the same.  Once again I told him that I thought it best for me to be on my way and I really had no more to say to him.  Apparently he took this as a sign of affection and tried to lean in, tongue out, for what would probably have been the world's most disgusting, sloppiest kiss...my lightning like reflexes kicked in and I was able to quickly turn away and slide a hand up between me and the fish-esque puckered lips that were headed my way.

The Worst said all I had to do was tell him to leave me alone, and he would.  All I could think was that I had told him this several times, the most recent being just moments before his tongue came at me.  I couldn't handle this with just the beer I had been drinking...I needed liquor and a quick escape route.  Now I was thinking how foolish I had been for wearing flip flops to the party, as now I could not use the excuse that I had cut my foot earlier and my shoe was filling up with blood.  I somewhat forcefully removed his hand from my back, said I should be going, asked never to be spoken to again, and left the patio party.  Showtunes was about to start and my inner Teresa Guidice was about to kick in...anymore of this painfully awkward interaction, and more than just a high top table would have been flipped.

I was finally reunited with Lisa, Sidekick, Holly, and Rugger JR who were too caught up in the World Cup to help a brother out in his time of need.  It was now time to move the party to Showtunes, and I needed a drink stat.

Beer was flowing, showtunes were being belted out, and I was once again having a great time.  It had been about an hour or so since I last saw The Worst, and I was hoping for his sake, as well as mine, that he had bowed out and left the vicinity.

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw him again.  Standing at the corner of the bar in the midst of the party guests, with the same drunken dopey look on his face, staring straight at me.  Son of a B, there was just no escaping this tragic mess.  I needed to do a bit of damage control and quickly informed Lisa, Sidekick, BFF, Rugger JR, and even the Homeowner of the situation I was in.  They all assured me I had nothing to worry about, and BFF said all I had to do was stand by him and the crisis would be adverted.  Once again, luck was not in my favor and before I knew it, The Worst was striking up conversation as to why I was avoiding him.  This was like the Twilight Zone, had I not, just an hour ago, explained how I wasn't interested in anything...not even a simple conversation at the bar.  This guy must seriously have the memory of a goldfish.

I once again asserted that I thought it best to just be left alone.  I was at my roomate's birthday party, with a ton of friends, and I had better things to do than talk to The Worst.  Lisa quickly caught on and managed to step in and take over the conversation as Sidekick pulled me away to sing along to either 'Part of Your World' or 'One Night Only', I can't remember which, as those details were a bit fuzzy.    

If worse were come to wore, Lisa could thankfully be a cock block, and Sidekick could be a hot trick I was interested in, this would be a great scene to ditch The Worst.  As far as I knew, Lisa completely dissolved the situation, with what I imagine to be the same class and tact that I, myself, possess.  Perhaps now the birthday festivities could carry on.  I've already been made a fool of at a birthday party with the whole Detective debacle, I sure did not need it to happen again.  I thought for sure we would now be able to part ways once and for all.  

Things carried on as planned; I was now free and clear of The Worst, mingling with friends and praising Lisa for her good deeds.  Everyone was having a fantastic time.  Throughout the evening, party guests were showering the Homeowner with cards, and it was my duty, as any good roomate would, to make sure they made it to my vehicle safely to be transported back to the house.  I had just taken a stack of cards to my car and was minding my own business when I was once again encountered by The Worst.  I was heading back into the bar and he was exiting.

This time, I was completely on my own, in the middle of the parking lot.  FML.  The Worst started to put on a routine consisting of puppy dog eyes and a series of if's, and's, or but's.  I was completely over this.  I could do no more to politely excuse myself from the situation.  The Worst had ruined one of my nights, many months ago, he was not about to do it again at the Homeowner's soiree.  Out of left field, The Worst asked; "So where does this leave us?"

US??  US?!  US!!

There certainly is not an 'us', nor has there ever been, or ever will be.  I was beyond enraged, what more could I possibly do to drive the point home??  I'm not interested.

I suddenly flew into a tirade.  I explained how he had a chance and totally jacked it up by being a complete and utter douche-nozzle.  From this point on, I wanted nothing to do with him.  Ever.  I never want to look across a room and see his stupid ass face again.  He had embarrassed me sufficiently enough for a lifetime and I needed no more.  There would never be an 'us', and even as far as acquaintances go...he does not make the list.  My voice was getting louder and my hands were flailing, in what I'm sure was quite the spectacle to any onlookers.

As it just so happens, we were perfectly aligned in front of the bar's back doors...which are all glass.  Just feet from the doors were tables of party guests, including the Homeowner, among others.  Everyone now had a front row seat to a scene that would have fit seamlessly into an episode of any of the Real Housewives.  I continued my verbal assault for what seemed like hours, all the while The Worst acted like we were starcrossed lovers.  I threw out every cuss word I could think of, and probably a few I made up as I went.  I was hot, bothered, and pissed off.  In all honesty, I was half expecting to be punched in the face, I probably would have punched myself too...I was ruthless.  We both just needed to be put out of our misery.  

Just as things were getting heated and as all of Hades were moments from breaking loose, The Homeowner rushed to my side and loudly explained that I was desperately needed inside for something very important.  This was a bridge that needed to be burned, and all ties cut.  I gave a few choice parting words to The Worst and went to join the rest of the party, and frankly if you think I'm a bitch, then bring it on.