Sunday, June 12, 2011

Inner Beauty.

After another brief hiatus, I am back with a tale from the attic.  I have refrained from posting many of the emails I have received lately, mostly because I don't want my blog to become like a book that could easily sit on the shelf next to 'Other People's Rejection Letters'.  However, surprisingly, I found myself on a very casual spur of the moment dinner date a few days ago.

I use the term 'date' loosely, because it really was not a date with romantic intentions, but rather out to dinner to get to know one another.  Regardless of what we're calling it, I was treated to dinner and it was slightly blog worthy.

I arrived to my all time favorite, ultra hip and trendy patio, Las Maracas and quickly ordered a round of margaritas.  Any good 'date' needs a round of margs from Las Ma.  It was slightly a blind date in that I had never actually met this fella before in person, but we sort of run in the same group of friends and had been FB chatting for awhile.  I figured we could just meet at the restaurant, that way we would both have our vehicles handy if a quick escape were necessary.  I started sipping on my marg and waited.  Luckily for him, he didn't keep me waiting too long.  I have a dinner date rule; if I'm finished with a drink before you show up, all bets are off.  However this was not the case and we quickly dove into conversation.

It turns out my date had ultimately recognized me from last October's Grizzlies' Red Dress Rampage.  Now don't get me wrong, as the reigning Most Bejeweled 2010, I very much enjoy being recognized by my legions of fans.  I have a title and a reputation to uphold in this community.  However, my date had recognized me because he believed that he was robbed of the Most Bejeweled title.  I was caught completely off guard, and after only 1.5 margaritas, I surely was not ready for such a heavy conversation topic, especially one in which I had to defend a prestigious award that I had worked very hard for and won by clearly, a landslide.  My date will actually be referred to as Jelly, because I believe he is incredibly jealous of my title and just has not been able to let it go.

At first I thought he was joking, but with all joking aside, I do believe that Jelly was becoming a bit upset that I can proudly display my trophy on the living room mantle, and he has nothing to show for being 2nd runner up (at best).  Jelly even went so far as to say that I should have been disqualified from the category because my devastatingly, stunning, full length, red sequin, size 4 gown was not completely zipped up the back.  As soon as he uttered such harsh words, I just about spit my drink out.  Up until now everyone has been happy for me being Most Bejeweled, and if they haven't, they've done a damn good job of hiding it.

Somehow, no matter how many times I tried to divert the conversation, we came back to the topic of the Red Dress Rampage.  The conversation wasn't tense, at least not for me, but rather just slightly awkward.  I just continued to enjoy the sights, sounds, and drinks of my favorite patio.  A few more drinks into the night and I was beginning to think that we had perhaps reached a truce.  Clearly, Jelly just had some pent up frustrations, and he was finally given the chance to vent.  But just for a side note; I DO NOT recall seeing his red dress, so therefore it really must not have been worthy of such a prestigious title.

Dinner was coming to an end, and I figured we might just part ways until this year's Red Dress Rampage, where I no doubt, will recapture the title, but Jelly mentioned he had to make a quick appearance at a friend's birthday party downtown, and I was welcome to join.  The selling point was the mention of free drinks.  I'm always up for a party that includes free drinks!

I figured, what the hell...and tagged along for the ride.  We got to the party, and met a couple of Jelly's friends...and lucky for me, I actually knew a few people at the party as well, so I wasn't completely a fish out of water.  Unlike any other birthday party that I have ever been to, this one had various drag performances.  Soon, a rather large and rotund drag queen took the stage decked out in a red glittery dress.  Jelly quickly made mention that the queen was able to zip her dress all the way up the back, and I should ask to borrow it from her for October.  I replied that even on my heaviest days I only weigh 150 pounds, which would be about 1/8 of the drag queen...or the equivalent of her left thigh.  I then went on to explain that a rather over sized dress would be a tent on me and look worse than my stunning gown, regardless of how high it zipped up the back.    

Jelly took no time to reply that he did not see me for my physical size, which is a slim, runner's build with tight abs in progress, but rather he saw the weight of my spirit...which is apparently a 400 pound drag queen.  Fantastic.  This was like reverse "Shallow Hal".  I did not foresee the night going up much from there, so like any title holder would do, I graciously bowed out for the evening.  On the way home I got to thinking; am I really not the good looking, all American, boy next door that I picture myself as...but rather a big mama of a drag queen in red glitter??  Maybe that is why I am still single and living in an attic.  I have a completely skewed perception of reality, and I am not in touch with my inner beauty.  Or perhaps Jelly really just is jealous...not everyone can be Most Bejeweled 2010, and frankly, I am sorry that he is jealous of me, but I can't help it that I'm meant to be Most Bejeweled.    


  1. Speaking as someone who was there, you DEFINITELY deserved most bejeweled! I don't remember anyone even coming close!