Monday, December 20, 2010

From A Distance.

Working retail full time during the holiday season is seriously cutting into my social life.  Not only does it severely cut into the time that I have to put myself into awkward dating situations, it also limits the time that I have to write about my awkward dating situations.

However, luckily I had a Saturday night off, and was able to make it out for KD's going away party.  Nothing can spice up a single guy's dating life like a party in East Nashville with a room mostly full of the gays.

The night stated off like any other party night, my drink was full and I was mingling with the crowd.  I was enjoying conversation, flip cup, and a bit of dancing.  Suddenly my phone was blowing up with multiple text messages from another guest at the party.  It turns out that some guy I had chatted with over the summer, but never actually met in person, was in attendance at the party as well and had spotted me on the dance floor.  I quickly glanced around the room to see if I could spot the guy who was admiring from afar. I really was not having any luck, but the text messages kept on coming.  In a room full of gays, everyone is text messaging, Facebooking, or Tweeting...all of the time.  Everywhere I looked, someone was fiddling with their phone, so figuring out who was texting me was going to be like finding me at a party without a drink.

I actually get really uncomfortable in these sorts of situations.  I don't like being admired from afar while being messaged about it.  It crosses the line from admiration and tip-toes on becoming an episode of Dateline's 'To Catch A Predator'.  My mysterious texter was not giving up any hints, but was claiming to be too shy to approach me to say hello.  Apparently I do not recall what Mystery Man looks like whatsoever because I really could not determine who he was but he had a good view of me, and on top of that, I was entirely too sober for this game...this was playing waaaayyy too hard to get, even for my taste.

With the stalker-esque messages filling up my inbox, I was starting to become annoyed.  However, as my annoyance was peaking someone actually did come up to say hello and introduce himself...in person.    I began chatting with someone new, and decided that if Mystery Man wanted to say hello to me that badly, he could grow a pair and come say hi...sans cell phones.  I sparked up convo with a new guy, but quickly found out he wasn't any more exciting than Mystery Man.  He was incredibly soft spoken, almost awkwardly so, and seemingly quite shy as well.  I am neither of those things, so I need someone who is on level with me in that department.  We soon ran out of things to talk about and began to make extremely idle chit chat.  I was quickly losing interest in this conversation as well...and the deal breaker came when he told me that he was studying to be an actor.  At this point in time I needed another refill and to find someone entertaining to talk to.

Just as I was trying to come up with an excuse to exit this conversation, and I must have looked as though I were struggling to leave an uncomfortable situation, I caught the eye of a yet another guy.  He must have noticed the angst on my face, and stepped in to relieve me from the conversation that I apparently could not get myself out of.

I gave up trying to figure out who the Mystery Man was and with the other conversation over, I could now focus on the one who saved me.  With a new drink in hand, I was able to chat it up with this new guy.  His dark hair and eyes coupled with a killer smile caught my attention, and oddly enough, he seems to be just as big of a sarcastic smart ass as I am.  It wasn't long before he was matching my snarky remarks, and was even able to one up me with the sharp tongue.  That's a rare find, I thought for sure I was one of a kind.

In just the span of an hour, I went through two guys and was onto the third, but I suppose the first one doesn't really count since his identity was never revealed.  This was a mini speed dating party apparently, but I think I was the only one going through guys like I was going through my cup of beer.  I spent the rest of the evening chatting with the Smart Ass, and we ended up exchanging numbers as well.

As the night drew to a close, and I had moved from beer to Jack and Coke, Smart Ass wanted to know who was taking who home.  Since I love having the upper hand in any situation and I like my own bed,  I decided The Attic would be where I was sleeping...he could join if interested, but it wasn't about to be a hookup.

At the end of the night, I took interest in the one who had the balls to just walk up and say hello, keep the conversation exciting, and had the wit to keep me in check, and frankly, predators and aspiring actors aren't my cup of tea.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Letter K.

Today's post is brought to you by the letter K.

I am guilty of sending that one text message, containing one single letter, that can signify the end of any potential dating interests.  I am usually not a fan of one word text messages, but one letter messages are even worse.  And in the world of dating and text messaging, getting a single 'k' as a reply is just about relationship end-all.  It's quite dreadful.

At present I am not in a relationship.  I have been chatting with a few people here and there...mostly to keep my options open.  I am not one to put all my eggs in one basket.  I go on dates should the situation arise, but mostly just chatting with some people for the time being.  However, there comes a time through all of the chatting when action does need to be taken.  I have been chatting with one guy in particular for a bit now, and have actually hung out with him a few times.  We've never been on a formal date, mostly just grabbing coffee and hanging out at his place for the evening.  I could take or leave the causal the hanging out, but an actual date would have been nice too.  Lately the chatting has been losing the fun and flirtatiousness that most pre-dating banter includes, and all of my invitations for dates ranging from Whiskey Kitchen, a stroll in downtown Franklin, or a homemade dinner have fallen on deaf ears.  Each suggestion of a date night is met with an excuse as to why that night will not work out.

I get that it's the holiday season, and people are busy with their lives and such...but at the rate I was going, I was batting 0-7 a week.  Without getting any inclination that a future date night was in store, and I hate being strung along, I was becoming a bit annoyed.

Once again I asked if he were free for the evening, and he said that he didn't know, and wasn't sure if he were in the mood for a date night.

As I said, I don't like to be strung along.   If you aren't interested, just say so.  It won't hurt my feelings if you're just upfront and honest about it.  Don't keep me guessing and even more so, wasting my time.  There are plenty of fish in the sea, so I need to get back out there ASAP if this isn't going to work out.

After the uncertain text message I was at my wit's end.  Trying not to be rude or snarky, I simply replied with: K

In my opinion, 'k' is the worst text message you can get.  Personally, I would hate it if someone were to send it to me.  That one single letter can end an entire pre-dating flirtatious relationship, or what's left of one.  It implies no information other than, "I'm extremely annoyed" or "We're done with this."  'K' is a very different response than 'ok', the two are not the same at all.  'Ok' implies acknowledgement, and perhaps even agreement, whereas 'k' is kinda bitchy.  Much as I predicted, no reply text followed after that one.  Roughly 24 hours later a text message came along asking how my day was going, but by then the damage had been done.  You weren't interested, and I lost my interest.  Moving on.

It looks like it's back to the drawing board, so hopefully Santa got the wish list I posted. So far not having a date for the holidays has saved me some cash on Christmas gifts, that's a just a bit more money A-Lo and I can spend on ourselves at the Whiskey Kitchen, and frankly if you get a message from me that just says 'k', don't bother texting again.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

My Christmas List.

Dear Santa, 

I have been mostly good all year.  I am a law abiding and tax paying citizen.  Furthermore, I recycle as often as I can, I am well educated, in decent shape, fairly attractive, and incredibly outgoing.  I do not lie, cheat, or steal.  I work very hard for everything that I have, and I strive to be as best as I can in all that I do.  With that being said, my Christmas list is very small this year.

First and foremost, I would really like to have a Kitchen Aid mixer, preferably in pistachio green.  This should not be too difficult of a request to fulfill, and I would be ecstatic to find this under the Christmas tree on December 25. 

Second, and this request may be a bit more difficult, but I would very like a decent date.  At this point, it does not even need to be incredible or even good...it can just be mediocre.  However, there are some stipulations, I'd like the date to have the following qualities:

-Roughly my age, within 5 years.
-Roughly my height and build, and for reference 5'8" with a 36 inch waist is not considered 'average'.
-Educated beyond a high school diploma.
-Their own car and a job.
-The ability to use your, you're, they're, their, there, it's and its correctly.
-A witty and sarcastic sense of humor, I need someone to keep me in check.
-Someone who can sit through a college football and/or basketball game...bonus if they enjoy Michigan State at least half as much as I do.
-Some who enjoys cold beer and whiskey, as I have a new found love for the Whiskey Kitchen, and they would have to frequent it with me.
-Someone fairly active to run with, because I plan to run the Music City Half Marathon in the spring.
-Fairly easy on the eyes would be great, preferably dark haired.
-A nonsmoker would be nice as well.

Those are just the basics, the minor details can be worked out later.

Santa, I don't think this should be too difficult.  I've already weeded out half of Nashville through my dating profiles, so I know that I don't want anyone from a missed connection, who could legally be considered a 'little person', who watches Michigan football or who speaks in Ebonics.  I also don't care for anyone into vampires.    

I am not too picky, I just have a few simple requests.  If Santa can travel around the entire world in one night, surely he can find me a decent date that fits my criteria.  I realize it is much easier said than done, but after all it's Santa, and frankly it seems like I'll just have to enjoy a pistachio green Kitchen Aid mixer.    

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Lost In Translation.

I spent roughly 100K on my education....give or take a few dollars here or there, and I will be paying student loans until I am about 138 years old.  When looking for a date, I don't necessarily expect someone to have collected as many degrees as I have, though I would prefer, at the least, a BS.  Now there are always exceptions to this rule of mine, and call me picky, but I do require working knowledge of basic sentence structure.

I logged onto one of the sites I frequent and had the following gem of a conversation with a 19 year old, who at 225 lbs and 48 inch waist describes himself as 'average' body type.

His profile headline states:  "dis ya boii big d tryna get n to sum hit me up"


With an introduction like that, how could I say no to any sort of interaction?  The conversation proceeded as follows:


Big D:  wad up
Me:  Nothing is up.
Big D:  lol y yu say id like dat
Me: Well I wasn't sure if you meant "what's up?"
Big D: well wyd
Me: What?


Already this conversation was off to an amazing start. Nothing turns me on more than sentences made up of fake words and lacking all grammar and punctuation, but let's continue...


Big D: what you doing
Me: I'm just trying to figure out what your messages say, I don't speak acronyms too well. Other than that, I just finished dinner. What are you doing?
Big D: nothing i am trying to find someone to chill wit for the nite
Me: Ahh, ok.


For a moment I was holding out hope that he did actually know how to type formulate sentences, when I asked him what he was doing, he was able to reply with a semi-coherent phrase. Then I get this...


Big D: wea uy live out east
Me: Your vocabulary is amazing.
Big D: lol y yu say dat
Me: I'm not even sure if your last message was in English, let alone if it were a question or a statement, and I have no idea what it was supposed to say. "Y", "yu", and "dat" are not words.


Seriously? Seriously? Why is this the type of person I attract?


Big D: where do you live out east
Me: I don't live "out east", I live on the east side of town.
Big D: me 2 do yu stay alone
Me: No, I have roomates.
Big D: do they know about you


I knew exactly what he was getting at, but I decided just to be a smartass and give him a hard time.


Me: Know what about me? I'm not a stow-away. They are aware that I occupy living space with them.
Big D: you messin wit dudes
Me: At the moment, I am not messing with anything, but yes they are aware.
Big D: aw ok, do yu have plans tonite?


Even if I didn't have plans this evening, I sure wouldn't let him know that.


Me: Yes.
Big D: i wanted to come chil wit you
Me: You don't even know me.
Big D: i read your profile & wanted to come get to know more about you


How did Big D manage to do a complete one-eighty, and pull a fully coherent sentence out of seemingly thin air?? I was blown away when he threw this curve ball at me.


Me: Ahh, well thanks, I'm flattered.
Big D: so can i come over


Whoa buddy, just because you started typing correctly does not mean I am about to invite you over.


Me: No.


And that is where the conversation ended, for obvious reasons. Regardless of my outrageously overpriced education, I expect you to be able to speak and type correctly. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask of a date to be able to use actual words in a sentence, I really don't think that should be considered being picky at all. Decoding what Big D was saying was more difficult than the analogy section on the GRE, and at the end I wasn't getting an exceptional standardized test score, but instead learning to interpret Ghetto-ese. I feel as though it would take more effort to type incorrectly than to just do it the right way. I worked really hard to go through school, I love proper grammar and prose, and frankly, I'd rather be picky than ghetto.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Meat Market.

Yesterday afternoon I traded my stone age-esque phone in and upgraded to a Blackberry.  I now get to see what it's like to have every social networking site at my fingertips at all times.  I admit that I am not very progressive when it comes to my choice for cellular phone devices.  I really only need some sort of apparatus to send a text message, because I'm not one to spend much time even speaking on the phone.

As I was becoming acquainted with my new toy, I was discovering a whole new world of  interesting things.  My phone was now linked to Facebook, Twitter, and FourSquare...what more could I possibly need?  Supposedly Match.com and Chemisty.com have mobile applications as well, but since I am not even a fan of using them on my laptop, I sure do not need them on my phone, so I opted against downloading those.  However, my friend Asshat introduced me to the mobile app known as Grindr.

Grindr is a virtual meat market.  It is just a page full of guys in your immediate area, arranged in order of distance from closest to furthest from you.  The profile is quite simple, it only consists of a picture, age, height, weight, and how many feet away they are located.  There isn't any messing around with likes and dislikes, or things such as relationship essentials.  It is probably the most superficial way to meet someone, and certainly used almost solely for hook-up purposes, but perhaps something decent will come of it.  Click on a picture and initiate a conversation...that's about all there is to it.

However, if you think about it, scanning the bar to catch someone's eye is pretty superficial too.  If you see someone you're attracted to, you might go up and say hello, but if you aren't attracted to them, no matter how wonderful of a personality they may have, you probably aren't giving them a second glance. It is totally judging a book by it's cover.  Most people don't go out with a list of things they are interested in to hand out to people at the bar or the coffee shop, so why do I need a list of things on a dating site?  Grindr cuts to the chase.  If you're good looking, around an age I'd be interested in, and close by, let's chat...we can deal with the details later.

I only had a brief sampling of Grindr last night, as I was too focused on watching Glee and putting the finishing touches on the Christmas decorations in The Attic.  Obviously when I am sitting in The Attic, I won't have much use for Grindr, but it could come in handy on the nights that I am out at bars other than Tribe...it may even be useful when I'm at work, I am sure Cool Springs is full of homos.

Grindr is just one more tool to add to my arsenal of social networking sites, and frankly I'm all for social networking!