Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Adventures of Quailman: Part I

Sorry for the delays in posting, but it was been quite a crazy few days.  After a fun filled evening with the Golden Girls, it was Halloween weekend.  So much happened this weekend that my Halloween recap will be covered in two posts!  

Saturday I had to work a few hours then came home in time to see my Spartans get their asses beat by Iowa.  My heart was broken, and the only outlet for my feelings was to throw on my Quailman costume and head to the bar to drink away my sorrows.  I was meeting my friend Asshat and his friends at Tribe for a bit of Halloween debauchery.  From the moment I walked in the door, people were loving my totally awesome Quailman costume...but how could you not love a 90's Nickelodeon super hero?  Also I think a lot of people enjoyed it because I had a pair of tighty whiteys on the outside of my shorts, which were actually incredibly uncomfortable but made my ass look great.

Tribe was packed for the Halloween event, and I was having a difficult time deciphering who was actually in a costume and who was just dressed for the evening.  Unlike the skanks from the night before, most homos aren't just 'Sexy (insert noun)' for a costume, some people actually do put a bit of thought into what they are dressing up as, and it almost always gives everyone a chance to dabble with a bit of drag, a set of wings, and a whole lot of glitter, if only for one night of the year.  And in my case, walking into a gay bar with white briefs on the outside of my shorts is a sure fire way to get some attention.  A few people were interested in knowing if those were my normal underwear...which they ARE NOT, they were strictly for the costume.

I was making my rounds at the bar and generally having a good time.  On one loop back from the bathroom, one of my biggest fears became a reality.  I was heading back to meet with Asshat, my drink in hand, when I was cornered by the Nugget.  In the back of my mind I knew that eventually he would find me at some bar in Nashville, and finally it happened.  I was completely thrown off guard by this sudden bombardment.  He had no problem just walking right up to me and saying "Hey, haven't we been chatting?"

After I looked around and noticed the voice was coming from 3 feet off the ground, I was not sure if it were appropriate to squat down to chat with him or not.  In my defense, I am twice his height and we were in a bar...I would have a hard time hearing someone who was standing at eye level with me, let alone someone down around my knees.

To clear things up, the Nugget and I have actually not been chatting.  To be exact, he has been emailing me and I have stopped responding...months ago.  All I could respond with was "Oh, hey, what's up?"  I am all for having the guts to approach an incredibly good looking guy at the bar, but only if that good looking guy hasn't shot you down numerous times before via email.

He told me how he saw me walk in and thought it was me, but couldn't be sure.  I obviously could not see him through the sea of people, but now was wishing I had picked a costume that included a mask.  I really was not up for small talk...no pun intended...and was trying to find my way out of this incredibly awkward situation.  He asked what I had been up to and if I were having a good time.  I was having a good time up until now, and quickly realized my drink was almost empty, because the shock of the situation forced me to shotgun my Jack and Coke.

Nugget then asked "Can I buy you something?  At least a drink?"  Normally I would be more than happy to let someone buy me a drink, but this time I took the high road...again, no pun intended...and politely declined his offer, mostly because I didn't want to continue chatting and wasn't entirely sure what 'something' entailed.  At the gay bar, an offer to buy a drink almost always comes with strings attached, and those were some strings I did not want to deal with.

The conversation weakly carried on for just a bit longer with him making reference to my underwear, but it felt like hours and after another offer for a drink I needed to channel a line from Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion.  I actually told the Nugget that I had cut my foot earlier and my shoe was filling with blood, so I needed to leave.  I hope you all can appreciate this brilliant escape tactic of mine, because it worked.  I was soon able to be reunited with my friends.

I made a few more laps that evening, and managed not to run into the Nugget again.  Finally it was time to go home, I had had my fair share to drink for the night and with no one of any interest offering to buy my drinks there wasn't much point in staying any longer, and frankly I did not want to risk any other awkward situations.

1 comment:

  1. Remember the most important bit of advice is sometimes it's more important to not leave your opponent a shot than to make one. Your were really good at that. Had a great time in Nashbilly.
    love Dorothy

    ReplyDelete