Thursday, October 14, 2010

I'm Flattered.

I had limited Internet access over the past two days.  On Tuesday AT&T was not cooperating at all, and once it did decide to start functioning adequately again on Wednesday afternoon, I had to go to work.  Last night I was finally able to sit down and log into my email.  Sure enough it was packed full of messages.  I could not possibly have disappeared from online for more than a few hours, let alone a full day, and not have messages and chat requests to attend to.

I have to admit, it was a bit difficult to juggle the multiple messages and chats that I had going on, and I had to immediately prioritize who I wanted to continue talking to.  It was somewhat of an emergency room triage system, anyone who seemed like a decent guy OR could provide some entertainment moved to the front of the line.  Anyone who was dull, creepy, odd, or any combination thereof was off the docket.

I am a firm believer in personal statements.  It makes my triage system much easier and efficient, because let's be honest, I don't have time to waste.  In my opinion you have 60 seconds, at most, to present yourself well enough to spark my interest.  At 61 seconds, if you haven't intrigued me, you probably won't be able to in any amount of time.

Obviously, most people fail to impress me.  Especially when you start off your first message with; "Hey where do you work, we've met before!"  If we have met before, then you would probably already know where I work, especially since I am unable to find a real job for the life of me, and I have been at the same job for over 6 years.  I really do not recall having met this person, and his pictures were terrible at revealing his identity.

Rule #1:  Post a decent picture, of your face, on your DATING profile.  Would you wear a bag over your face if you were meeting a guy in a bar or coffee shop?  Come to think of it, some people actually should wear a bag over their head when meeting someone in a bar or coffee shop.

Rule #2:  Do not start a conversation suggesting that we have met before, because chances are, we haven't.

Clearly this guy was not passing through my triage system, and it was only after he mentioned a previous meeting that he suggested we hang out sometime.  I had to decline.  Even if we had met before, I obviously was not interested then, so I probably am not interested now.  Next!

The next match had emailed me Tuesday night and happened to be on as I was going through my emails.  Although it was not the most thrilling of conversations, I was getting bored and needed something to occupy my time.  Silverado had gone to bed hours ago, and I did not have anyone else to chat with.  I could quickly tell nothing would come of this situation, as soon as the 61st second hit, it was all downhill and anything that could be considered intelligent was out the window.  However, as the conversation slowly and almost painfully progressed, I decided to click back on his profile to glance over it once more and noticed that his location was not in Tennessee, but was in Michigan.  Though I am up for chatting with just about anyone, this discovery raised a red flag.  I inquired as to why a Michigander would send me a message, considering I am all the way in Nashville and have no immediate plans to move back to the Mitten.

His response blew me away.  Turns out, this homewrecking bastard is currently dating my ex.  The Homewrecker is the reason that my ex and I broke up...2 years ago.  Upon this revelation, I became furious.  Lucky for both Homewrecker and Ex, I am in Tennessee...because I was about to kick some ass.  I cannot, for the life of me, fathom why this conversation was even taking place.  I have moved on, and I had moved on quite some time ago.  There wasn't anything to talk about.

The Ex broke up with me to move in with Homewrecker...end of story.  There was no need to spark up a conversation, and I still have no idea what Homewrecker's motives are, and honestly, I could care less.  I was able to remain calm and composed, and politely told Homewrecker what I actually thought of him.  I sure hope all my sincerity was easily translated through the email.  My anger was brief, and decided both of their lives must be quite pathetic, especially if Homewrecker had taken the time to search for me.  I am quite flattered that he took the time to touch base with me.  Clearly, there isn't anything too exciting going on in his life if he felt the need to check in on me, and frankly, those bastards deserve each other.

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