Friday, August 27, 2010

Christmas in August.

Christmas morning only comes once a year, but when you have an online dating profile, or in my case, multiple online dating profiles, waking up with the anticipation of an inbox full of new matches feels just as good as Christmas.  And in the same fashion of Christmas, especially Christmas with my family, you never know what you are going to get, and you do not always get what you want.

Just about every morning, I jump up out of bed to see what Plenty of Fish, OkCupid, etc. etc. have sent to my inbox. I have a specific process for skimming through my matches before deciding if I wish to contact them or not.  First, I check to see if they have a picture, and not one where they are wearing sunglasses or obscured in shadows at some lame attempt to be artsy and/or trendy.  Then I take a quick glance at their screen name...anything with Abercrombie, Boi, or Stud is a no go...a combination of all three gets blocked.  Next I look for common interests, decent spelling, occupation, education, just the basics.  More often than not the matches really aren't anything terribly thrilling.  Some maybes, a few ehh's, a no or two.  However, a few days ago, one particular match caught my eye.

Like any other morning, I checked my matches.  OkCupid had what seemed to be the perfect match for me.  Rated as being 92% compatible, 87% friend, and only a mere 7% enemy (I'm still not sure what the exact calculations for this are) this could be a match made in heaven.  It turns out this match had already taken the plunge and emailed me about my profile.  The email explained how I seemed like a fun loving, attractive, and wonderful guy who had his act together with goals in life (All of that is true, by the way). Well now I figured, what the hell, might as well check this out.

Well this match may have been 92% compatible, but only 7% my height.  Yes folks, I was matched with a nugget.  A real life little person.  My jaw dropped and I almost spilled my Bailey's and coffee as I browsed the profile.  Well now that I had looked at the profile, the nugget's sites were set on me.  Almost immediately, I had another email.  I hadn't even had time to process the first one or even what I was looking at.  But now the pressure was on to reply, not once, but twice.  This was unbelievable, and truly like Christmas morning.  I was nervous, anxious, excited, and confused...the same feelings I experience during the holidays with my family.

The next email explained how much we seemingly had in common and all of the fun outdoor activities we could partake in.  Well with myself measuring 6'0, obviously a game of basketball was out of the question, that would just be unfair, and no way in hell could we ride a tandem bike together.

I politely replied with although we may have common interests, there just was not a physical attraction.  However, I of course had to call my bffl and tell her this nugget of excitement concerning an actual nugget person.  Naturally, the bffl wanted to see a picture, so I had to go back to the profile to quickly extract one.  Now it showed I had looked at the profile again, and again I got another email.  It turns out this nugget loves Shakespeare.  However, this nugget also types in ebonics.  An email full of Shakespeare in ebonics...awesome.  I just could not take this anymore, I had to sign off and quickly refill my coffee mug, this time with more Bailey's than coffee.

The Nugget is still blowing up my inbox, I get about 2 or 3 emails every few days.  Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against little people, like my idol Chelsea Handler, I actually quite adore them, just not relationship wise, and more power to anyone who is confident enough to quote Shakespeare in ebonics!   However, I do have a certain height requirement in a potential match, and frankly, I need someone who I can ride a tandem bike with, in case the situation should ever arise.


  1. Sorry I wanted to see a picture, didn't mean to make the nugget even more eager! His Shakesperian ebonics sound pretty impressive though!

  2. Oh that was totally worth the weekend wait! Maybe you can mention your desire to ride a tandem bike, he might see the merit OR offer two more nuggets to help peddle and he'll sit on the seat.