Friday, August 27, 2010

Christmas in August.

Christmas morning only comes once a year, but when you have an online dating profile, or in my case, multiple online dating profiles, waking up with the anticipation of an inbox full of new matches feels just as good as Christmas.  And in the same fashion of Christmas, especially Christmas with my family, you never know what you are going to get, and you do not always get what you want.

Just about every morning, I jump up out of bed to see what Plenty of Fish, OkCupid, etc. etc. have sent to my inbox. I have a specific process for skimming through my matches before deciding if I wish to contact them or not.  First, I check to see if they have a picture, and not one where they are wearing sunglasses or obscured in shadows at some lame attempt to be artsy and/or trendy.  Then I take a quick glance at their screen name...anything with Abercrombie, Boi, or Stud is a no go...a combination of all three gets blocked.  Next I look for common interests, decent spelling, occupation, education, just the basics.  More often than not the matches really aren't anything terribly thrilling.  Some maybes, a few ehh's, a no or two.  However, a few days ago, one particular match caught my eye.

Like any other morning, I checked my matches.  OkCupid had what seemed to be the perfect match for me.  Rated as being 92% compatible, 87% friend, and only a mere 7% enemy (I'm still not sure what the exact calculations for this are) this could be a match made in heaven.  It turns out this match had already taken the plunge and emailed me about my profile.  The email explained how I seemed like a fun loving, attractive, and wonderful guy who had his act together with goals in life (All of that is true, by the way). Well now I figured, what the hell, might as well check this out.

Well this match may have been 92% compatible, but only 7% my height.  Yes folks, I was matched with a nugget.  A real life little person.  My jaw dropped and I almost spilled my Bailey's and coffee as I browsed the profile.  Well now that I had looked at the profile, the nugget's sites were set on me.  Almost immediately, I had another email.  I hadn't even had time to process the first one or even what I was looking at.  But now the pressure was on to reply, not once, but twice.  This was unbelievable, and truly like Christmas morning.  I was nervous, anxious, excited, and confused...the same feelings I experience during the holidays with my family.

The next email explained how much we seemingly had in common and all of the fun outdoor activities we could partake in.  Well with myself measuring 6'0, obviously a game of basketball was out of the question, that would just be unfair, and no way in hell could we ride a tandem bike together.

I politely replied with although we may have common interests, there just was not a physical attraction.  However, I of course had to call my bffl and tell her this nugget of excitement concerning an actual nugget person.  Naturally, the bffl wanted to see a picture, so I had to go back to the profile to quickly extract one.  Now it showed I had looked at the profile again, and again I got another email.  It turns out this nugget loves Shakespeare.  However, this nugget also types in ebonics.  An email full of Shakespeare in ebonics...awesome.  I just could not take this anymore, I had to sign off and quickly refill my coffee mug, this time with more Bailey's than coffee.

The Nugget is still blowing up my inbox, I get about 2 or 3 emails every few days.  Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against little people, like my idol Chelsea Handler, I actually quite adore them, just not relationship wise, and more power to anyone who is confident enough to quote Shakespeare in ebonics!   However, I do have a certain height requirement in a potential match, and frankly, I need someone who I can ride a tandem bike with, in case the situation should ever arise.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

e-not so harmonious.com

Let's be honest here, online dating is the most convenient and efficient way to meet someone, and within in the first few minutes realize it probably isn't going anywhere.  Don't get me wrong, I'm all for having someone from across the bar send a drink over to me, but this situation is a rare occurrence.  With the luck I have, someone in the bar is more likely to walk over to me and ask me to buy them a drink...yes it has happened before.

Ads for online dating sites constantly bombard the commercial breaks for all of the reality shows I find myself watching on any given night of the week.  I have no problem with putting up an online dating profile, I really don't have much to hide at this point in my life.  However, I do have a problem with paying for an online dating site.  I really could just go troll around a bookstore, or some downtown bar to meet people, but my time is precious.  I need a handful of matches thrown my way, so I can pick and choose...mostly deny....at my own discretion from the comfort of my attic bedroom.  I opt not to use sites such as Match.com or eHarmony, well actually eHarmony opted not to use me, I would have to go to compatiblepartners.com for their services, but instead I use free dating sites.  OkCupid and Plenty of Fish...here I come!  Unless there is a free event weekend...which come to find out is not all that free (like a certain Chemistry.com), I stick with anything that has the price of 0.  And I have come to notice, you really do get what you pay for, in this case, I pay nothing so I get nothing.

My profiles are generally witty, please feel free to reference my 'About Me' in this blog, and I feel like they would convey that I am a nice guy who knows how to have a good time.  However on any dating site I guess my profile actually gives off the impression that I am looking for someone over twice my age, willing to join a preexisting couple, or dying to meet someone with the name of BlkThug4WhtJock.    I really do attract a lot of black thugs actually, it must be my inner Detroiter, and yes that is an actual screen name, no it's not my screen name.

People call me picky, but I really do fall head over heels for that one that can use Your and You're, and It's and Its correctly, bonus points for There/Their/They're.  Sadly, that's all it takes to get me on a date.  Impress me with your grammar and I'm sold!  I almost instantly reject the profile that uses abbreviations for common words or TyPes LiKe ThIs.  And if you use the word 'kewl' please don't even bother.  It must be the 100K I spent on my education, but I love good grammar.

I wonder if paying for a dating site really would deliver the match who has impeccable grammar and knows that 'kewl' is not a word, but I am too broke to pay for a subscription, and frankly, that's money that can be used at some happy hour around town when I meet up with a free match.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

So It Begins...

After much deliberation, and a little market research (and by market, I mean my drunk ass friends at the bar) I have decided to start a blog about my love life...or lack thereof.  This blog is in no way, shape, or form intended to offer any dating advice whatsoever, mostly because I have none to give.  However, this blog will explain what happens to me in my quest for *cough* love.  And if not love, just a good time along the way.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm not hell bent on finding someone to settle down with, but I do find myself in some outrageous situations and some equally outrageous dates.  I try the bar scene, meeting friends of friends, and even online dating.  I feel it is my civic duty to put my life out there for everyone to read, perhaps it will save at least one of you from making a complete fool of yourself...like I usually and am bound to do.  You're welcome.

So to get this party started:  I'm 25, a recent grad school graduate, and above all, a hopeless romantic.  I currently live in an attic...much like Ann Frank, hence the title of the blog.  And Frankly, this is sure to be a wild ride.  Enjoy!